Living with bipolar disorder I often find that thoughts will pop in my head, mostly negative, about experiences I have had. And I will have a conversation about this experience.
Hi, this is Dave Mowry for Bp Magazine for Bipolar Vlog. Today I am going to talk about conversations I have with myself that are constantly going on in my mind.
A few nights ago my wife looked over at me and said, “Dave, why are you so quiet today?” I said, “I don’t know. Am I being quiet? I didn’t realize.” Then a few days ago I thought about it and realized that I am having a constant conversation with myself in my mind. And by constant I mean every minute of every hour of every day.
Thoughts will pop in my head, mostly negative, about experiences I have had. And I will have a conversation about this experience. Usually these conversations will last from 10 sec to 30 or anywhere in between. Then I’m off to another conversation for 10 or 30 seconds, and then back to the original.
Music helps. I listen to music but I can never ever, ever remember listening to a song all the way through. Somewhere, whether it be 10 seconds or 30 seconds, a thought will pop into my head and I will think about it and converse with myself about it. Then I will go back to the music. Then I will have a thought and go back to having a conversation with myself,
I meditate and it helps, but it is not a solution. It gives me some quiet in between the thoughts because I will have a thought and start a conversation and then I will let it go. Then 10-30 seconds later I am off to another thought. I go back and forth, back and forth, and back again. So meditation for me is only a slight temporary relief.
Watching TV is helpful for me because I am focusing on something else.
The most relief comes from reading a book. I think, no I’m sure, everyone has thoughts that pop into their head and conversations with themselves. I just wonder if my bipolar brain is the reason my thoughts are constant.
The next time my wife says, “Why are you so quiet tonight? I will say “Because I have been having a conversation with myself all day long.”
I’m sure she is going to say, “About what?” Unfortunately I will have to say, “About everything and nothing.” But by talking about it with her I hope she will understand. And by talking about it I will have some understanding, or gain an understanding about these constant thoughts and conversations I have with myself.
This is Dave Mowry for Bp magazine for Bipolar Vlog. Bye bye.
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