A Futuristic Sci-Fi Series Showed Me I’m not Aware of my Present.
When I went to bed on Christmas Eve, I hoped to be looking forward to the Holiday, filled with anticipation.
Instead, I was obsessed with a negative train of thought. At 2am, I was still wide awake with self disgust; knowing I wouldn’t be able to go to the Christmas morning movie my husband and I had planned on.
What a great wife. Not.
Why do I have all these expectations of myself? Why do I have to be ‘superwoman,’?
I don’t.
That’s just the Bipolar ‘Loop’ running my life. It’s beyond editing. It needs to be spliced right out of my life.
Several TV shows, (Uk’s “Humans” and “Westworld,”), showed people tragically repeating the same ingrained patterns their entire lives, on a quest for an intangible they’d never get. Trapped.
Their robots were more liberated than they were!
I knew there was a subplot in “Westworld” I wasn’t getting.
I Googled it and read three stories about it. Along the way I encountered a Wikipedia definition of AI.
Apparently, what differentiates people from machines is “Emotional Intelligence.”
We can go into ‘analysis mode’ and question the why of our inner dialogue.
Is it reality-based? Does it serve us or hold us back?
I haven’t been using my smarts. I have an operating system based on my interpretations of hurtful experiences and haven’t bothered to check it.
Some of this stuff is almost as old as I am!
Turning off my brain to erase the pain has allowed the negative backstories to play out over and over.
One of them is this: Socially speaking, I see myself as an outsider.
For someone with Manic Depression, this is understandable.
Growing up with unipolar depression, a bellwether of a future bipolar disorder diagnosis, I felt and acted differently than my peers.
Kids are devoted to sameness, so I was an outcast, left alone to deal with my turmoil and despair.
Desperate for inclusion, I’d push too hard. This just met with more rejection.
It’s a ridiculous retread.
My other bogus belief is that I’m a slow learner. For me to ‘nail’ something, I must give it everything I’ve got.
What about the others in my life?
What do they get? Sloppy seconds? Nothing at all?
I want to be more mindful, considerate and giving with other people.
I’d also like to lose this idea anything worth having involves total immersion and a full-on fist fight.
I’d like my activities to be more balanced. I want to study comedy and integrate it into my writing. (I’ve already read one book and am investigating online courses).
These are some of my therapeutic goals outlined by my therapist and I in dialectical behavioral therapy. (DBT)
So far, we’ve only discussed my triggers and unhealthy coping skills.
However, if I’m more peaceful, those might disappear!
What would I do without triggers? Unhealthy coping skills? Or black and white thinking?
Life looks like a blank horizon to me. So many possibilities.
Breaking new ground is deep work.
Or is this idea just another adrenaline-drenched backstory?
Hopefully, my DBT therapist has a bulldozer.
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Allison Strong
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