One beautiful thing about getting older (53 last month!) is that I know who I am. I understand my mental health needs and I can make tough decisions that take care of myself even if it means walking away from something exciting or financially lucrative.
My life is about helping people find stability. To do this, I have to be an example of what I teach.
Saturday night, I was having a simply wonderful evening at karaoke with one of my favorite people in the world. My friend Karen as you can see from the picture. I always start early as I know the importance of sleep to manage my bipolar.
I thought I was acting like myself. Then I noticed that while singing- I do a lot of rap- I was dancing… a LOT. I rarely do this. I know what is means, but who knows… maybe I was just feeling good, right?
Then, I had the thought, “I want a drink.”
As you may know, I don’t drink for fun. Drinking is always a sign of a mood swing for me, but… maybe I was just having a lot of fun and one drink would be fun!!
Then I had this thought, “I’m going to get drunk!”
Ok. I can ignore dancing when I sing Hot in Here. I can ignore wanting one drink. I can ignore the face I’m making in my photos. I might even be able to ignore the idea that it would be fun to get drunk.
But I can’t ignore them ALL in the space of a few hours. I’m currently managing a work project that is making me ill, so I’m being very careful. I went through horrible anxiety, a paranoid episode and then depression.
I can’t ignore what comes next… every time. You know what it is….
MANIA. To be specific, euphoric mania. The best kind. The fun kind. The BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD until you wake up in a strange bed with someone you don’t know.
I said to my wonderful friend after thinking about getting drunk, “I’m out of here at 10.”
I was having TOO much fun.
Did I want to leave and go home and take a ton of sleep meds and the mood medication that makes me fat and gives me stomach problems? NO!
I wanted to stay and drink and have fun and sing and look at men and go wild!
But I also want something more than that in life.
I want stability.
I want to write my next book for kids.
I want to work with people I care about.
I want to maintain friendships.
I want to finally deal with my weight issues.
I want to stay out of the hospital.
I want a future.
So, I said no to the first drink. No to the getting drunk and no to staying out past 10. PM.
Getting older means that I have the hard earned wisdom to make better decisions.
I still had a FANTASTIC evening and today I’m stable.
via bpHope – bp Magazine Community
Julie A. Fast