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Bipolar Disorder is a Curse That Became my Gift

1/27/2017

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Having been diagnosed with bipolar disorder over 15 years ago, I considered that my life was inevitably doomed and I would succumb to the same fate as my mother. Growing up, my mom had multiple hospitalizations, numerous suicide attempts and a mental illness that tried to claim her life time and time again. In the past, I have spent many nights staring at a hospital wall in a psychiatric unit and have pondered in dread, “Why am I cursed with this mental illness and what will become of me?”

Fearing the Curse of Bipolar Disorder

At the age of 25 years old, I plunged into a bipolar episode that eventually convinced me that I did not have a
promising future and I feared the curse of this illness that soon enveloped my entire life. I was always known as an outgoing and successful person to the world, someone who wildly chased her ambitions and succeeded in meeting her personal goals. I may have had bipolar symptoms growing up, but nothing that pointed to the fact that I was headed for an immense mental breakdown that nearly claimed my entire existence. My downward spiral included a immense mania that lasted for weeks, which sparked a maddening psychosis that soon led to a depression that disabled me for months. Subsequent to my first hospitalization, I medicated myself to sleep day and night for two entire weeks. I could not stand to see the daylight and the only time that I felt at ease was when I was not awake.

Bipolar disorder stripped me of my dignity, confidence, and a belief that life could actually get better. As I scribbled a letter in an attempt to explain why I was going to end my life, I could not form one coherent sentence. During my university years, I produced five thousand word essays in two days, but I could no longer write anything at all. I was hollow and there was nothing left inside of me. It felt as if this curse robbed me of who I was and I believed the lie that I did not deserve to live because it was never going to get better.

Embracing Bipolar Disorder and the Gifts to Follow

I have always been a passionate person, but before bipolar disorder, I lacked significant meaning and happiness in my life. I did not feel that I had a cause to strive for, or even a place in the world where my light truly shined. I always felt uneasy about where to live, what to do and who to be. I had a gaping hole of insecurity in my heart and I never felt at peace. Once I realized that bipolar disorder is manageable, I have since been blessed with astounding gifts due to my efforts in spreading awareness about mental illness. I reflect on founding the Stigma-Free Society and I often ponder, “Who would I be and what would I be doing with my life if I had never been diagnosed with this mental illness?”

The pain that I experienced felt unbearable at the time, and while in the midst of my struggles, I could not see beyond the borders of this curse. However, these experiences have taught me that I have a choice in how I approach and manage my illness.

There are still days that I am deeply challenged, but because I have been through so much devastation, I am now equipped to get through anything. It is so difficult to see any light in this illness, but when I reflect on the challenges that I have overcome, I am grateful to embrace others, understand my mother’s hardships, and appreciate all of the gifts that have been so graciously given to me over the years. I know now that I  would not have wanted my life to have gone any other way.

Have you found any positive meaning and/or purpose from having bipolar disorder?



via bpHope – bp Magazine Community
http://ift.tt/2k8tSw0

Andrea Paquette
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     Today, NAMI Tulsa is heavily focused on education, support groups, public policy, training, and we have developed lasting relationships with many local, state, and national agencies for the betterment of the care of our mentally ill.

    The views expressed in these columns come from independent sources and are not necessarily the position of NAMI Tulsa. We encourage public engagement in the issues and seek good journalistic sources which advance the discussion for an improved society which fosters recovery from mental health challenges.

    President Steve Baker

    2017 President of NAMI Tulsa.
       .

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