America has lost a Princess. When Carrie Fisher passed, many were quick to point out the impact Fisher had on cinema in the pivotal Star Wars role of Princess Leia, in theatre, with her quirky one woman show, and in print, with numerous bestsellers laced with wit, humor and candor.
But, the mental health community has lost its Queen, a vocal, ruthlessly honest and vulnerable advocate, who normalized mental illness and provided a hopeful example of a person with bipolar disorder living and working her recovery.

An example of the heart that would ultimately fail her: Singer-songwriter @JamesBlunt told me he was introduced to Fisher in London and described to her the album he hoped to create. At that point in his career, he was broke and without options. Fisher put him up in her Los Angeles home and allowed him to stay rent free until Back to Bedlam was born.
James described it as one of the most creative, life-affirming experiences he’d ever had, a generosity he hadn’t experienced previously. She asked for nothing in return. There was humor, good food, and Fisher even placed a cardboard cutout of her character of Princess Leia outside James’s guest bedroom.

“Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.”

Fisher had long conversations with James about the trauma he’d experienced as a British officer in Bosnia and encouraged him to unearth emotions he’d never felt before. The source of those conversations and the depth of the love and friendship had a profound impact on Blunt and his music.

Say what you will about radio ruining a great album, but the songs that were recorded in Fisher’s bathroom (yes, there was a piano in the bathroom) remind me of how creativity and mental illness so often walk side by side, one informing and nudging the other, ever so gently, “Open up. Open up.”

Writer Mary Karr described people who live with mental illness as having “more bandwidth.” Others have described it to me as “living without a shield.” Both descriptions hint to the quality intuitive people have when they are open to others’ emotions as well as their own. Understandably, these people often live with more pain than those who are shielded or those who lack bandwidth, but they are also our witnesses, our futurists, our singers, poets, and scientists. They are often, but not always, our geniuses who see patterns others cannot.

There is a great debate in the mental health community as to whether people with high degrees of creativity are prone to mental illness. We should spend our time instead modeling the kindness, openness and compassion Carrie Fisher showed to others. It turns out Obi-Wan Kenobi isn’t our only hope, but a flawed and vulnerable force of nature that showed us the way out.

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by Julie A. Fast 

I drove around aimlessly this morning until I forced myself to choose a coffee shop so that I could sit down and work.

It’s only 7:30 AM and I already feel like my day is a mess.

Why am I so restless?

I know the answer to this question. It’s such a simple answer that I don’t want to believe it.

I’m restless because it’s a very normal symptom of bipolar disorder. If you have bipolar disorder or care about someone with the illness- do you have these symptoms of bipolar disorder restlessness?

• Can’t make a decision.
• Drive aimlessly. Sometimes for hours.
• Stop at one place. Get out of the car, ALMOST go in and then change your mind and go somewhere else.
• Trouble working. It’s hard to pick a project.
• The body feels buzzy and uncomfortable.
• LOTS of guilt over not being able to settle down.
• Continual feeling that there is something you should be doing, but you aren’t sure what it is.
• Worry. Lots of worry.
• Can’t stay in one place longer than a half hour.
• Caffeine makes it worse.
• Cloudy thinking.
• Slightly irritated.

Oh, I could go on!

Some would call this anxiety, but I know my anxiety well. This is not anxiety.

Restlessness permeates bipolar disorder mood swings. We can be wired and tired when depressed – agitated and manic when in a dysphoric manic episode.  This makes sense. And yes, restlessness is a part of anxiety.  But, I have lived with these symptoms since age 19 when my main mood swings started and over 30 years later, the same restlessness is here. I have this restlessness when I’m NOT in a typical mood swing.

I’m not overly depressed, manic or anxious right now. I’m not psychotic. This isn’t ADD.  There is nothing wrong with my life except the fact that work often feels impossible. I have the ideas- I have the means. I have the outlets and I have the desire. If I let it take over, I will spend the day driving around to feel better.

But I won’t let that happen. Recognizing this restlessness as a part of my illness helps me counteract the symptom. I am not yet sure how it fits into bipolar disorder, but I do know what to do about it.

Force myself to make a decision. That is what I did this morning. After driving around my city in the dark, trying to find a place that felt comfortable. I reminded myself- as I write in my book Get it Done When You’re Depressed- I am NEVER going to feel comfortable when in one of these mood swings- so if I want to feel comfortable to make a decision, I will drive forever. So, I forced myself to pull over and sit down. I did that. I am now writing this blog. It worked.

Keep a list of my restlessness symptoms handy and show it to others. I work with a manager three times a week. I have to do this to keep on track. I simply can’t do my work and deal with my bipolar disorder without a lot of help. She knows these restlessness symptoms well.  She has a system I have to follow.  It works when I remember to use it. I often lose the paper it’s printed on. I forget to look at it.  I am all over the place. Then we meet and she reigns me back in.

I plan to crack this restlessness problem one day. For now, I have to focus on how far I’ve come in terms of being able to work despite not wanting to sit down.

I lived in Seattle for many years. Mt. Rainer is one of the world’s most spectacular mountains. I remember being so restless, I would get in my car and drive an hour away from Mt. Rainer and then turn back around and drive an hour towards it, just to see the mountain. I had no idea why I would take these drives. I felt guilty about them. They were not for pleasure. They were not about beauty. I now know it was my restlessness forcing me to drive for hours.

This morning I drove for only 15 minutes. That is a huge improvement. Bipolar disorder management is a process. I learn more every day and I will continue to learn.  My illness may stay the same- I have bipolar disorder and it’s not going anywhere. The difference now is awareness and having a plan. This is how I survive these restless days.

Julie

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December 29, 2016 • Volume 9, Issue 57 • Subscribe to Hope & Harmony Headlines

 

Farewell, Carrie Fisher

It is with shock and sorrow that we record the passing of actress Carrie Fisher this week—but also with gratitude for all she did as a champion for those affected by bipolar disorder.

Fisher died Tuesday, at age 60, after suffering a heart attack on a flight from London to Los Angeles. She had been in Britain to film the third season of the Amazon series Catastrophe.

It was the latest role in an acting career going back four decades. She was only 19 when she first played feisty rebel princess Leia Organa in the Star Wars franchise.

When the original Star Wars movie came out in 1977, Fisher became an instant international megastar. But it was her openness about having bipolar—a topic she discussed with typical candor and acerbic wit—that made her a hero to many of us.

When bp Magazine debuted in 2004, Carrie Fisher was on our cover. “We needed a big name to launch, and on a wing and a prayer we reached out to Carrie Fisher,” recalls publisher Joanne Doan. “It says a lot that she agreed ’sight unseen’ to be featured in a publication dedicated to serving the bipolar community.”

As Doan told People.com for a celebratory article, Fisher “inspired our community to be able to look in the mirror—free of this ridiculous shame and stigma that surrounds a chronic brain illness—and go out there and live fulfilling lives.”

She was our “cover girl” again for our fifth anniversary issue and appeared in our 10th anniversary issue, which came out shortly before the release of Star War VII (The Force Awakens)—starring Fisher as a mature General Leia Organa. (According to media reports, she had completed filming for Star Wars VIII before her death.)

“It is with a heavy heart that I realize Ms. Fisher won’t be on another anniversary cover,” Doan says. “We at bp Magazine mourn our first ‘leading lady’ … her life and legacy will be celebrated with each and every issue.”

Back in 1985, Fisher was among the celebrity pioneers to go public with a bipolar diagnosis. In brutally honest interviews—and in her novels, memoirs and one-woman shows (notably Wishful Drinking)—she framed her bipolar, her addictions, and other difficult passages of her life with sardonic humor. (As she said, “it wasn’t all sweetness and light sabers.”)

Our columnist Beth Brownsberger Mader puts it well: “Carrie was a beacon of hope for those of us with bipolar, and gave us so many ways to find humor and light, hope and unique creativity in our journey to wellness.” She will be missed.

 

—  Carrie’s Journey with bp Magazine  --

 

Hollywood Kid Carrie Fisher and Her Best Awful (Premiere Issue)

Carrie Fisher opens up about the best awful times of her life–addiction, psychotic breaks, hospitalization and recovery. Read now >>

 

The Wit & Wisdom of Carrie Fisher

Hollywood daughter and Broadway star opens up about her struggles with bipolar disorder and her new-found strength. Read now >>

 

Our Leading Lady, Carrie Fisher

Carrie Fisher will return as Princess Leia in Star Wars VII, but she’s always been our heroine for rebelling against the stigma of bipolar. Read now >>

 

 

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Recognized everywhere as Princess Leia and respected as a prolific author, the late Carrie Fisher was a true heroine for rebelling against the stigma of bipolar disorder. She was also instrumental in the launching of bp Magazine, gracing three covers since 2004. Here is just a sampling of wise words that have inspired a mental health community:

 

#1

“One of the things that baffles me … is how there can be so much lingering stigma with regards to mental illness, specifically bipolar disorder. In my opinion, living with manic depression takes a tremendous amount of balls.”

 

#2

“I grew up in this kind of fishbowl existence and I figured, if people were going to say it about me, then I was going to say it first and I was going to say it better. It’s my way of trying to own a situation.”

 

#3

“You know how most illnesses have symptoms you can recognize? Like fever, upset stomach, chills, whatever. Well, with manic depression, it’s sexual promiscuity, excessive spending, and substance abuse—and that just sounds like a fantastic weekend in Vegas to me!”

 

#4

“At times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you’re living with this illness and functioning at all, it’s something to be proud of, not ashamed of. They should issue medals along with the steady stream of medication.”

 

#5

“Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It’s a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life.”

 

 

#6

“Bipolar disorder is a mood system that functions like the weather. It’s independent of the things that happen in your life. I have problems, but they don’t have me!”

 

#7

“I’ve had to rise to occasions—not just on the stage—in order to survive, so that bruising is my blessing and those liabilities are my strength now.”

 

 

#8

“Think of it as an opportunity to be heroic – not ‘I survived living in Mosul during an attack’ heroic, but an emotional survival. An opportunity to be a good example to others who might share our disorder.”

 

 

#9

“Hilariously—after all the drug addiction and celebration marriage and mental illness and divorce and shock treatment and heartbreak and motherhood and childhood and neighborhood and hood in general—I’ve turned out to be (at close to 70) a kind of happy person (go figure!).”

 

 

#10

“I am a spy in the house of me. I report back from the front lines of the battle that is me. I am somewhat nonplused by the event that is my life.”

 

 

#11

“I’m fine, but I’m bipolar. I’m on seven medications, and I take medication three times a day. This constantly puts me in touch with the illness I have. I’m never quite allowed to be free of that for a day. It’s like being a diabetic.”

 

 

#12

“So when I was 24, someone suggested to me that I was bipolar, and I thought that was ridiculous. I just thought he was trying to get out of treating me. But he was also responding to the chaotic nature of my life.”

 

 

#13

“I have two moods. One is Roy, rollicking Roy, the wild ride of a mood. And Pam, sediment Pam, who stands on the shore and sobs … Sometimes the tide is in, sometimes it’s out.”

 

 

#14

“Having waited my entire life to get an award for something, I now get awards all the time for being mentally ill … I’m apparently very good at it.”

 

 

#15

“ a human who’s had her fair share of challenging and unhappy experiences. Over time, I’ve paid attention, taken notes and forgotten easily half of everything I’ve gone through. But I’ll rifle through the half I recall and lay it at your feet.”

 

 

 

 

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I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 1 in 2009. The years following where rough. I had previously been diagnosed with other mental health conditions and struggled. By 2012 I was applying for disability and undergoing my first series of ECT which would continue throughout the next year. I was started on bipolar medicines in 2009 and began DBT therapy.   Throughout that time period of my late 20’s and early 30’s (2009-2013), I was hospitalized numerous times for suicide attempts, suicide ideation, anxiety and depression. But December of 2013 was the last time I would be hospitalized for a suicide attempt. After getting out of the hospital that time, I ended an unhealthy dating relationship, continued my therapy and medications, and started working on setting small goals.

One goal I had was to start playing music again in a band. I have played guitar since age 14 and had been in various bands throughout my life, but it had been a few years since I played guitar regularly or with others.

So in the Spring of 2014 I started a band called Recovery with other individuals living with mental health conditions, two of them with bipolar disorder. We began jamming, and writing original songs, and having fun. This did wonders for my mental health.

I also applied for a part-time job at a public library. I was offered the job and started working again part-time. This helped me feel better about myself, and helped me structure my time throughout the week. I continued in therapy and on my medications. I also stayed social with friends, family, and utilized community mental health resources.

Another thing I did to keep on the path of recovery was to call a crisis line if and when I felt I needed extra support for my mental health. It didn’t happen often, but when I needed it, I found the crisis line helpful, supportive, and understanding. A national crisis line in the United States is National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

I became part of a faith community and volunteered at my church. I made spiritual practice a regular part of my life and my mental health recovery.

I decided that dating didn’t have to be a priority.

Eventually I did date, but made healthier choices, which I feel was possible because I was happy with who I was as a person, and content to be single if it meant avoiding an unhealthy relationship. In 2015 I met my wife, and we got married.

Since 2013’s hospitalization, I began to exercise more regularly. I also had a sleep study and learned about a sleep disorder I have, and was treated for it. Getting regular, healthy, sleep has helped my mental health tremendously. I began reading again. I also started blogging in 2015.

The past three years since my last hospitalization have not been easy. They have been very difficult actually. I have endured hardships financially, been diagnosed with new medical problems, and experienced the loss of my son. But I’ve had many moments of joy and contentment, found love and a healthy lifelong relationship, and made new friendships and strengthened old friendships. I found a job as a coffee barista that is not too stressful, where I can work part-time, be around people, and learn new skills. I’m sticking with the basics, and things I know that help me like taking my medications, sleeping and eating well, and exercising. I am part of a faith community. I try to minimize stressors and avoid stressful situations when possible. I pray. I read. I listen to music. I reflect, and I write. I am thankful for all of my experiences, even the difficult ones because they have made me who I am today and made this journey of bipolar recovery possible.

Living a meaningful life with purpose is possible with bipolar disorder. Recovery is possible.

I encourage you to make healthy decisions, keep going even after setbacks or when it is difficult, and reach out for help when you need it. I hope to have many more years of bipolar recovery and hope your recovery journey is long lasting as well.

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Many of the challenges associated with bipolar disorder can be addressed by using a strength-based approach and this method has been proven to work . In this vlog Karl Shallowhorn talks about how to focus on one’s strengths and create a better way of life.

Hi, I’m Karl Shallowhorn with BP magazine’s bphope Vlog. Today I’m going to be talking about what a strength-based approach is and how it applies to bipolar disorder.

You might be asking yourself, “Well, what is a strength-based approach?” Essentially it emphasizes a person’s self-determination and strength and it focuses on the positives and positive outcomes.

So let’s personalize this. Say for instance you have a manic-depressive episode and you are currently experiencing depression. What do you do? Well first of all think about what’s worked for you in the past. Has it been certain medications? Has it been a therapist or psychiatrist? Has it been other things you can focus on, say like, support groups or social connections, for instance. These things are huge because we find that isolating can be a really big problem when it comes to dealing with depression. Now also there can also be things like exercise. That also can be important too.

For instance for myself, I’ve learned a lot of things. One big thing I’ve learned is the idea of insight. Insight, is essentially knowing what makes you tick. What works for you. And we know what works for one person may not work for another.

Also, we know that these things take time when we talk about recovery. And that can be so frustrating because we want our recovery now. We want to be well. But if you understand that by focusing on your strengths you can get better one day at a time.

My own personal experience has shown that it takes time to bounce back but I’m also more capable than I think I am. I have been able to do some things in my life that when I was ill I was able to discover really how to push myself out of my comfort zone and go forward and move forward. And slowly but surely things did get better.

And then you can never underestimate the value of peer support like I said before. Being able to talk to someone who’s had that same experience as you can be really invaluable in terms of giving you the motivation to move forward.

So another thing to consider is that we all have strengths. We all have something we’re good at. So you have to find out what works for you. By doing that it can make a big difference.

Also another thing you want to consider is that we’ve all been through a lot. We’ve all had difficult experiences; some more than others. But the reality is that no matter how bad things get you can get well. Trust me. I’ve been in places and in situations where I thought I never could recover and I never thought it could get better but it did. Trust me, I had to learn what my strengths were and how I could use those things to get me to a better place.

So, I hope this is helpful. What are your strengths? What are some of the things that have helped you? Please feel free to leave a comment below.

For BP magazine’s bphope Vlog, I’m Karl Shallowhorn. Be well.

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