When children live with bipolar disorder it can sometimes be difficult for them to make or keep friends and as parents, such social isolation can be painful to watch. Expert Susan Resko offers eight strategies to help:

 

#1 Let the school know

Inform your child’s teacher, social worker, or school administrator that your child is having difficulty with peer relationships. Schools can sometimes offer a structured lunchtime activity or teachers may be able to place your child in situations with another child who tends to be socially accepting.

 

#2 Reach out to other mothers

Depending on the age of your child, you may be able to reach out to compassionate mothers in your child’s class. Mention that your child has a hard time making friends; perhaps you will find someone who wants to help by encouraging a playdate.

 

#3 Enlist a mentor

A mentor can be a great way to get your child out of the house and involved in something fun. Therapeutic schools and special recreation programs are a good place to start. If none exist where you live, you may want to consider hiring a college student majoring in special education to hang out with your child a few hours each week. (Be sure to check references!)

 

#4 Encourage your child to explore new activities

This can be very difficult, so be prepared for setbacks. Be persistent—but keep it light and don’t pressure. If your child is easily frustrated, steer clear of highly competitive activities.

 

#5 Look for social-skills groups

These groups—sometimes found at your local youth services or community mental health center—provide instruction and practice for children to learn about better conversational skills, nonverbal communication, how to lose gracefully, and how to build friendships. The better programs will take care to place children in groups with compatible children.

 

#6 Try man’s best friend!

There are many therapeutic benefits to owning a dog or cat, and there are more therapy dog training programs than ever before. If you don’t relish the thought of training a puppy, or you don’t want to wait (or pay) for a therapy dog, talk to your local shelter and ask them to notify you when they receive a gentle, calm, patient pooch.

 

#7 Try group therapy

Group therapy can be a way for kids to practice social skills, receive valuable feedback, and even find a kindred spirit. The group dynamics have to be right to be effective, so you may have to try a few before you find a good fit.

 

#8 Set up a valuable bonding time together

While it is important to be the parent, that doesn’t mean you can’t also laugh and be silly with your child. In the absence of a playmate, keep it light and make a conscious effort to do fun things with your child. Even a 15-minute card game, or building with Legos together, can provide you with valuable bonding time and bring a smile to your child’s face.

 

 

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Parents are often aware of the ways to support their child with bipolar, but what about the other kids that live in the household? New York City psychotherapist, Jeanne Safer, Ph.D., makes these seven recommendations:

 

#1 Be honest about the disorder

Explain clearly and repeatedly about bipolar to the siblings of your child or children with the disorder. Avoid saying, “Your brother/sister is special,” because your child will think he or she is not special.

 

#2 Encourage an expression of ALL feelings

Allow your child who doesn’t have bipolar to talk about positive or negative feelings about his or her sibling, even if this upsets you. He or she is entitled to feel anything—don’t require them to always “understand.”

 

#3 Don’t expect children to feel the same as you

Don’t expect the child who doesn’t have bipolar disorder to share your feelings or degree of involvement with their bipolar sibling—being a sibling is different than being a parent.

 

#4 Don’t assume any child needs you less

Set aside time exclusively for the one without bipolar disorder, and let him or her be the center of attention regularly. Give them permission to not always include the sibling with bipolar disorder—let them have their own friends, own activities, and own moments to shine.

 

#5 Praise the sibling’s achievements

Automatically including or compensating the sibling who has bipolar disorder makes their siblings feel that what they do isn’t important in its own right.

 

#6 Practice self-awareness

Encourage self-awareness in all your children. This is one of the greatest gifts a parent can bestow, and gives them a model that will last a lifetime.

 

# 7 Think about your own childhood with siblings

Think about the impact of your relationships with your own siblings and how your parents dealt with them and with you. Doing so will help you understand the emotions of your child who does not have bipolar. And you don’t have to do this alone—counseling can help both you and your children.

 

 

 

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December 1, 2016 • Volume 9, Issue 53 • Subscribe to Hope & Harmony Headlines

 

Social Anxiety & The Holidays

The holiday season often brings invitations to socialize. If the thought of attending an office party or neighbor’s open house triggers discomfort or downright panic, a tiny signaling molecule in the brain called Urocortin-3 may be to blame.

Scientists at the Max Planck Institute of Psychiatry in Munich looked at social behavior in mice, who have a stress response system similar to ours. They found that mice with high levels of Urocortin-3 readily interacted outside their usual group. When Urocortin-3 activity was blocked, the mice avoided contact with the strangers.

In mice and humans, the brain has to negotiate a balance between social signals and emotional response when we encounter others of our kind.

“Most social contact involves a certain level of social stress or anxiety, even when we interact with people we know well, for example, during a festive meal with extended family,” says Yair Shemesh, PhD, lead author of the study published in Nature Neuroscience.

Whatever your neurons are doing, you can ease social distress with a variety of strategies. Our story “Shyness & Social Anxiety Solutions: Join the Party!” offers lots of ideas. For example:

• A Chicago man bolsters his self-confidence with a pep talk: “If I was invited to the party in the first place, I must offer something of value.”
• When one woman with social anxiety starts to obsess about what others think of her, she reminds herself: “You have no psychic abilities, Areesah.”

For small talk tips, pre-party empowerment and other practical advice, read “Join the Party!”

 

 

Holiday Tips To Avoid Weight Gain

NEWSWISE—This time of year also brings added temptation that can sabotage good eating and exercise habits. One problem is the “Christmas comes but once a year” attitude toward indulging, says Debra Reed, PhD, a registered dietitian and nutritionist. In truth, she points out, “the holiday period is a lot of weeks.”

So is splurging on high-fat foods at the buffet table always a bad idea? False. Reed recommends filling your plate with healthy choices first and reserving a small space for one special treat (as long as it’s not a trigger food for bingeing). Check out the rest of her true-and-false list. Read more >>

 

 

VIDEO: Bipolar & My Struggle with Panic Attacks

My bipolar panic attacks are short lived but crippling. In the middle of one I feel fear, anxiety and helplessness. My heart pounds, my breathing goes shallow and sweat builds on my forehead, back and armpits, soon to soak my shirt. My self-image plummets. Watch Dave Mowry’s video blog >>

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The holiday season brings added temptation that can sabotage good eating and exercise habits.

 

Newswise, 10-Nov-2016 — The holiday season is officially in full gear and with it comes the tempting Thanksgiving-to-New-Year’s food fest. During the holiday season, good eating habits spiral out of control and exercise plans are thrown out the window resulting in undesired weight gain.

With a little self-control and a few simple adjustments to your traditional approach, you can still enjoy all of the highly-anticipated feasts without sabotaging your weight, said Kristen Kizer, a registered dietitian at Houston Methodist Hospital.

“Lack of sleep, an abundance of decadent food and the stress of the holidays are the perfect storm for weight gain,” she said. “Remind yourself how it feels to over eat and implement a personal wellness plan to get you through the holiday season without adding to your waistline.”

Kizer suggest these tips to maintain a healthy weight and still enjoy the holidays.

1. Sign up for a race after the holidays.

Incorporating a race during the holidays like a turkey trot or jingle bell dash is great, but signing up for a walk or 5K in January can really motivate us to move during a time of the year when we’re quick to give ourselves an excuse to skip our exercise.

2. Eat breakfast.

Instead of saving up all your calories for the big meal, eat a small but satisfying breakfast in the morning so you won’t be starving when you arrive. Be sure to include a protein-rich food item such as low-fat Greek yogurt.

3. Cut out the casserole.

Between the fried onion strings, condensed soup, and canned beans, green bean casserole lacks nutritional value. Leave this unhealthy dish off the dinner table and replace it with something healthier. Try fresh steamed green beans with some low-fat cheese sprinkled on top or roasted green beans with a little olive oil and fresh garlic.

4. Eliminate the extra sweets.

The Pilgrims did not add marshmallows to their sweet potatoes, and neither should you. Ditch the marshmallows and brown sugar, and enjoy the natural sweetness of the sweet potato.

5. Get plenty of sleep.

Getting less than six hours of sleep a night causes cravings for starchy, sugary foods (hello frosted Santa-shaped cookies) and dissolves your resolve to make healthy food decisions. Most health experts recommend at least seven hours of sleep a night to feel fully rested.

6. Lighten your carb intake.

Holiday meals are typically heavy in carbohydrates, so try reducing your carb consumption for the day by replacing mashed potatoes with mashed cauliflower. Your guests probably won’t even notice the difference.

7. Enjoy guilt-free dessert.

Substitute natural applesauce for oil or butter in your dessert recipes. This simple ingredient swap not only adds moisture and flavor to baked goods, but fiber and nutrients.

8. Choose alcohol or dessert.

Before going out to a party decide beforehand to treat yourself with either alcohol or dessert, but not both. If you choose dessert, limit yourself. When it’s time for dessert, pick one treat and enjoy it slowly. There is no need to try every sweet on the table. As for alcohol, choose a drink with lower calories, such as a wine spritzer instead of creamy holiday drinks that can easily pack 500 calories. And remember, moderation is key.

9. Prepare less food.

Cut back on the amount of food you prepare for your guests. Instead of fourteen dishes, try pairing down to seven or eight dishes. By doing this you, you can save time and money and avoid eating leftovers for the several days following.

10. Skip the leftovers.

It’s not the meal that gets us, it’s the fact that we then eat Thanksgiving for the next three days. Decline taking party leftovers or limit the number of dishes you prepare.

 

Source Newsroom: Houston Methodist

 

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Sitting at home isn’t the solution for shyness and social anxiety—try these ideas.

By Lori Hile

 

It appears in your inbox without warning: an e-vite to a holiday party! Hosted by a co-worker you barely know. Also on the guest list: 25 strangers.

For many extroverts, this is the stuff dreams are made of. What a great opportunity to meet lots of future friends! But if you’re more wallflower than social butterfly, a party invitation may cause a few, well…butterflies.

If you’re an introvert, the very idea of mingling with the masses can be exhausting. If you’re shy, imagining a sea of strangers adds an element of fear to an otherwise festive season. If you suffer from social anxiety, the thought of walking into a roomful of unfamiliar faces may instill terror in your heart.

“Uncomfortable” is how Tim, a man from Chicago, describes time spent at gatherings. When he was growing up, his strict parents wouldn’t let him attend parties. When he finally had the freedom at college to go out, he often found he didn’t know what to do or say.

“Since I wasn’t exposed to these events, I didn’t feel like I developed those [social] skills,” recalls the 35-year-old, who would often latch onto one person for the entire night.

These days, he’s selective about what events he chooses to attend. And when he’s in the thick of it, he gives himself a pep talk: “If I was invited to the party in the first place, I must offer something of value. I’m there for a reason, and whatever perspective I have is appreciated.”

Honing your interpersonal skills and bulking up your self-confidence are just two of the useful strategies that make social encounters more manageable. Not so helpful: Avoiding them altogether.

Research shows that an active social life correlates with greater well-being. But you’re not likely to master your fears and learn to navigate social situations with ease by sitting at home.

“Anxiety is a reason to do something, not a reason to avoid doing something, since the more you do it, the easier it gets,” says Martin Antony, PhD, chairman of the psychology department at Ryerson University in Toronto and author of The Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook.

So click “yes” to that e-vite and enter the fray. With practice and preparation, that dreaded party can be practically painless, or possibly even—dare we say?—pleasurable.

 

DEFER JUDGMENT

It’s a wonder parties have any guests at all. Although official statistics on how many of us qualify as introverted or shy are hard to come by, various estimates range from one-third to one-half of adults in North America.

According to the U.S. National Institute of Mental Health and the Canadian Mental Health Association, from 6 to 8 percent of us have social anxiety. The true number may be higher, however, because the line between painfully shy and a diagnosable disorder gets fuzzy.

Areesah, 44, has always had trouble making friends. She considered herself “overly shy” until she clicked on a pop-up Internet ad in summer 2014 and discovered from the quiz that she actually has social anxiety disorder, also known as social phobia.

Anxiety limited her interactions at work, where she avoided chitchat and even eye contact with her co-workers. It kept her from attending her department’s monthly potluck lunches. Afraid that she wouldn’t know what to say and that everyone would think she was too quiet, “I just could not go into the room.”

People who feel paralyzed by shyness or social anxiety generally have a critical script running through their heads and a “deeply ingrained belief that they’re not good enough,” says Aziz Gazipura, PsyD, author of The Solution to Social Anxiety: Break Free From the Shyness That Holds You Back.

Therefore, “interacting with others is like walking on a narrow tightrope over a 200-foot drop. One slightly false move will result in harsh judgment, ridicule, and rejection.”

Cognitive therapy techniques can be used to counteract “catastrophizing” (assuming the worst possible scenario) and “probability overestimation” (giving too much weight to the likelihood of a negative outcome).

“You need to question your thoughts, rather than assume these anxiety-provoking ideas are true,” says Candy Katoa, PsyD, a psychologist at the University of California-San Francisco psychiatry clinic.

To get in touch with her thoughts, Areesah takes a few minutes throughout the day to check in with her breath and body. When she feels a big lump in her chest, she asks herself, “What’s going on, Areesah?”

If she finds that she’s worrying about what others are thinking of her, she reminds herself of something her therapist told her, “You have no psychic abilities, Areesah.”

 

SWITCH THE FOCUS

Worrying about how you are perceived by others could be called “outside-in” thinking—an extremely inhibiting attitude.

“If you’re worried people will think you’re weird and get caught up in your thoughts about it, you’re probably going to act even weirder,” Tim reflects.

Although not a quick fix, it pays to nurture compassion and acceptance for those parts of yourself you think are unacceptable—whether it’s a stammer or your sexual orientation. Or in Tim’s case, both.

He noticed a sea change in his socializing after he came out during his sophomore year.

“Coming out required some level of self-acceptance,” he said. “Saying ‘You’re OK, who you are is great,’ took away a layer of anxiety.”

When you attempt to control how others see you, conversations become a performance rather than a chance to forge a connection. “Inside-out” thinking flips the situation.

To start, make a point of observing what’s around you: the furnishings, the food, the way people are actually responding to you rather than how you fear they might. This takes your focus off yourself and might yield some conversational openings.

When Matthew of Portland, Oregon, is talking to someone new, he homes in on details such as what someone is wearing, and has “lots of fun observing and commenting on what’s going on around me.”

Another approach: Remind yourself to truly be present in that moment. Really listen, instead of wondering if you’re saying the right thing.

“If thoughts of yourself are crowding your mind, it’s hard to be natural,” Katoa notes. “The more present you can be, the more natural your small talk will become.”

Matthew says that in high school, he would adapt his personality to try to get people to like him. Now the 25-year-old asks himself: Do I connect with this person? Am I drawn to this person? Do we have anything in common?

He’s become more comfortable talking about the types of things that genuinely interest him—manga, card games, video games—because he’s gotten to a place where “it doesn’t matter how they perceive me,” he says. “Before I secretly wanted their approval. Now I don’t need it.”

 

REDEFINING SUCCESS

Gazipura likens social confidence to a muscle that needs to be strengthened over time. “You must work out by taking healthy risks and testing out your negative predictions until you change your perception of yourself and others,” he explains.

Start with smaller challenges and gradually move up your fear hierarchy. Say you’ve set your sights on the company picnic next summer. Ease in, Katoa recommends, by “saying hi to a colleague in another cubicle. Then try chitchatting with a colleague in the lunchroom. Test out your fears, and observe how they respond.”

Are they giving you strange looks and backing away slowly? If not, you’re probably doing fine.

The important thing is to see it as a process, not a one-time, make-or-break event. An unsatisfactory experience “doesn’t mean you’re hopelessly broken or have some big, fundamental flaw,” Gazipura advises.

Jonathan Berent, LCSW, author of Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties, says that many people with social fears are also perfectionists, striving to be extra-good at everything to compensate for feelings of inadequacy. While aiming high isn’t a bad thing, Berent says, perfectionists can become discouraged “if they’re not James Bond the first time out.”

Adjust your expectations. Realize you don’t have to be the suavest person at the soiree. Social success can look different for different people.

If you’re an introvert who prefers depth to breadth, it can mean having a few long, meaningful conversations. Matthew knows he’s not the life-of-the-party type, but, “I can carry on stimulating conversations one- on-one.” Finding that allows him to leave a party fulfilled.

Social success might mean giving yourself permission to leave early if a social event is simply not working for you. When Areesah left her last work potluck after 10 minutes, she counted that as a triumph.

“In those 10 minutes, I conquered a mountain,” she says. “That’s enough!”

It’s inevitable that some interactions will go better than others. It helps to recognize that all conversations have a life cycle, says Antony.

“Conversations with strangers don’t stay interesting forever,” he says. Furthermore, “it’s impossible for you to be interesting to every person.”

And if your worst fears are realized—no one talks to you, your skirt gets caught in your underwear, your boss frowns at you—look for the humor and laugh at yourself, or ask yourself what you can learn from the experience.

“Instead of blaming yourself, focus on solutions,” says Akash Karia, author of Small Talk Hacks: The People and Communication Skills You Need to Talk to Anyone and Be Instantly Likeable. “If you didn’t smile much, remind yourself to smile more next time. If you didn’t make eye contact, pay attention to eye color next time.”

At the least, give yourself credit for taking the risk. “The action we take is the victory,” says Gazipara, “not the result.”

One of first challenges Matthew set for himself was to say hello to 25 strangers. His critical script told him, “I’m being annoying. I shouldn’t bother them.” Then he found that almost everyone said “hi” back.

One thing he learned: “Most people crave interaction and are happy to engage on a friendly level.” And those that snubbed him?

“I went on with my day. I was not going to take reactions personally from people I don’t know.”

 

‘IT’S SO TREATABLE’

Feeling awkward or uncomfortable around other people might stem from shyness, which is considered a personality trait. Social anxiety takes that discomfort to a whole different level. Diagnostically speaking, social anxiety is considered a phobia: a strong and persistent fear of being judged by others and of being embarrassed in public.

That fear can literally cause your heart to race, says psychologist Candy Katoa, PsyD. In addition to a “pounding heart,” other physical symptoms include “sweating, stomach stirring, shaking, trembling, shortness of breath, dizziness, and muscle tension,” she says.

Both shyness and social anxiety can lead to avoiding social activities, which makes it harder to make friends, maintain relationships, or network. The lack of social connection may feed depression. So can the feeling that you’re not living up to social norms.

Like other phobias, however, social anxiety can be resolved with the help of psychotherapy and certain medications. In fact, Katoa says a social anxiety diagnosis can be something of a relief because “it’s so treatable.”

 

 

 

TIPS FOR SMALL TALK

Does small talk seem like a waste of time? Not so, says Akash Karia, author of Small Talk Hacks: “It’s really a way of taking time to build relationships.” And with the proper mindset and skill set, Karia maintains, anyone can win friends and influence people. Here are five suggestions to get you started.

Adopt a power posture. Standing taller, relaxing your facial muscles, unhunching your shoulders and breathing deeply actually helps you feel more confident and less stressed.

Ask open-ended questions. Try to frame questions that demand more than a simple “yes” or “no” answer. Thus it’s not, “Do you live around here?” It’s, “What’s your neighborhood like?”

Follow up. After a stock starter question (“What do you do?”), probe for details. Ask why they like their job, why they chose that school, anything that might build a stronger connection.

Volley and return. Don’t simply bombard your current companion with questions. After listening attentively, share a relevant personal story of your own. Karia advises developing a stock of stories about memorable events in your life and practicing them on friends.

Have an exit strategy. If things just aren’t clicking, pull out a canned exit line: “Very nice to meet you. I’m going to grab a drink/find my friend/scope out the other room. I’ll catch you later.”

 

 

 

A wallflower’s guide to social events

PRE-PARTY CHECKLIST

Call on your calm. Try some relaxation techniques before you leave the house to lower your baseline anxiety. Before her last work luncheon, Areesah listened to calming music, did breathing exercises, and visualized herself talking with co-workers.

Or amp up your energy. Do something to put yourself into a positive, naturally excited state. Play a song you love and sing along on the top of your lungs. Exercise, or just jump up and down. Yell.

Recruit reinforcements. Meet up with a friend or group beforehand and go to the event together.

Make up a mantra. As you go into a party, encourage yourself with empowering self-talk. Some examples: “People like talking with me.” “I’m interesting and engaging.” “The world is a friendly place.” It helps to remember that not everyone is judging you, even if you tend to judge yourself.

Go in with a goal: Your unconscious agenda may run something like this: I shouldn’t be here. I’ll grit my teeth and get through this. I hope I don’t mess up. Instead, create a positive intention: I will connect with people. I will enjoy myself and brighten someone’s day. I’ll compliment three different people in a way they can receive it.

Or an assignment: Areesah asked if she could come early and help set up at the monthly potlucks in her workplace. “It helped immeasurably,” she says. Not only did it make her feel more comfortable in her surroundings, it alleviated the problem of not knowing what to do.

 

GET THE PARTY STARTED

Pounce. When you arrive at a party, interact with someone right away, even if it’s a quick 20-second exchange of, “Hi, see you around,” as you put down your coat. The longer you wait, the harder it gets.

Be the driver. Instead of waiting and hoping that people will talk to you, throw out a conversational gambit or insert yourself into a group. Start with the least threatening person—perhaps someone else standing alone.

Give it time. It may take a good half-dozen follow-up questions—maybe even a few offbeat queries like “What do you do for fun?” or “What’s something in your life you’re really excited about?”—to engage someone you’ve never met before. Instead of immediately assuming the other person doesn’t want to talk to you, allow for a warm-up period.

Follow your fascination. Sincere interest is a fine social lubricant. If your conversational partner mentions her kids, her house, a recent vacation, ask yourself: What’s most interesting to me about this? “You don’t have to talk about their kids,” says Aziz Gazipura, PsyD. “Ask them about their villa in Tuscany.”

 

 

Printed as “Join the party,” esperanza Fall 2015

 

 

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Julie offers up her unique blend of practical bipolar disorder management skills long with an honest take on what it’s like to have a panic attack and still keep moving forward in life.

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