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by Robin L. Flanigan

Chronic stress can make us lose sight of what brings us joy. Rediscovering that joy—and letting go of guilt—just might tip the scales back to happiness.

We’ve all heard of worker burnout; in fact, it’s recognized as an occupational hazard, especially in people-centered fields like health care and education. But increasingly we’re hearing of “parent burnout,” “creative burnout,” and more. All of this buzz makes us wonder: What exactly is burnout? It turns out, it has a lot to do with balance.

IT’S A JUGGLE

We all have different roles to perform throughout the day, and we try our best to balance them. We seek that elusive work-life balance. We balance caring for our families with caring for ourselves. We balance our budgets, our screen time, our diets, our moods, our exercise, our social lives, our downtime, and more.

In this effort to balance it all, we sometimes forget about the cost to our mental health. Each new item added to the scales, each “to do” on the list, is an acute stressor. When those pressures accumulate, they compound each other. Before we know it, we’re living in a state of chronic stress.

And that is where burnout comes in.

Brought on by chronic stress, burnout involves mental, emotional, or physical depletion that requires more resources than a person can muster to cope with it.

The symptoms initially seem like common, everyday complaints, but—like so many of us in today’s fast-paced society—they just don’t stop: persistent physical aches, endless exhaustion despite rest, recurring digestive trouble, headaches that never quite go away, feeling perpetually stressed out, and finding that what once brought you joy, excitement, and satisfaction now feels like drudgery.

Nicole Lapin, a successful American television news anchor and businesswoman, is the author of multiple books. Her latest, Becoming Super Woman: A Simple 12-Step Plan to Go from Burnout to Balance, was supposed to come out last year in early spring.

But Lapin pushed the publication date to the fall because she felt like a fraud.

Here she was, offering her real-life template for rebounding from exhaustion and overwhelm—yet she felt on the verge of relapse, slipping back into old, unhealthy habits. Lapin writes that she “got cocky,” “stopped practicing balance,” and “went back to thinking that there were external solutions to my internal problems. And, of course, there never are.”

How did Lapin, who lives in New York City, address the resurfacing burnout? “I literally went off the grid and read my own book,” she says, “which is how I know it works.”

“This is not a marketing thing,” she adds.

Lapin wrote the book because she wanted to help correct a misconception that too many smart, successful, and strong people believe: “when you’re successful you’ll be happy, and when you’re happy you’ll be balanced. But balance and chaos have to exist together, which is why you have to constantly work on mental health care.”

“It’s not something you figure out and say, ‘Cool. I’m better. I’m fixed.’ It’s something that requires constant attention and maintenance.”

DILIGENT & DEPLETED

While there is no conclusive overlap between burnout and depression, a study published in the March 2019 issue of Frontiers of Psychology found that burnout, if left untreated, can exacerbate depressive symptoms.

Furthermore, it seems that burnout is also contagious. According to the international journal Anxiety, Stress & Coping, even without direct or close contact, when there is a perceived collective burnout—specifically in the work environment—it can be transferable.

In a nod to the seriousness of this condition, in 2019, the World Health Organization (WHO) updated its definition of burnout in The International Classification of Diseases (ICD-11). In the previous edition, the WHO had defined burnout as a “state of vital exhaustion.” But now, 45 years after the first formal study of professional burnout, the WHO recognizes it as a syndrome—one that is indicated by “(1) feelings of energy depletion or exhaustion; (2) increased mental distance from one’s job, or feelings of negativism or cynicism related to one’s job; and (3) reduced professional efficacy.”

The WHO upholds that burnout is not a medical condition but an “occupational phenomenon” arising from chronic stress that “has not been successfully managed.” The data would seem to bear this out. A recent Gallup study of nearly 7,500 full-time employees found that 23 percent reported feeling burned out at work very often or always, while an additional 44 percent reported feeling burned out sometimes.

Persistent stress and exhaustion are not limited to the workplace. In many areas of our lives, we push ourselves past healthy boundaries, increasingly doing more with less. Why do we feel this constant pressure to be so busy?

“It is first and foremost a badge of honor,” says Paula Davis-Laack, a burnout prevention and stress resilience expert based in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. “We get a lot of worth and a sense of accomplishment and purpose from doing a lot of things.”

And our society offers accolades like extra recognition, incentives, bonuses, and promotions to those who can accomplish a lot. “When you get rewarded for doing something, your brain goes, ‘Oh, that’s great. Let me keep doing this,’” says Davis-Laack.

There’s a problem with that, of course, particularly since that craving for more can lead to consistent feelings of dread, anxiety, self-doubt, and weariness—all underpinnings of chronic stress.

Tom Alcock, PsyD, from Chicago, says that burnout is “not the kind of tired that sleep can cure—or a vacation, or if you drink enough water or exercise. It’s the kind of tired that happens when your soul is tired.”

TIPPING POINTS

Lapin, who has found a niche delivering no-nonsense advice about money and business to young women, pushed through a long-percolating burnout until she experienced a breakdown.

While in treatment at a psychiatric ward, she was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Her struggles, Lapin says, were rooted in what she describes as “a broken and traumatic upbringing.”

To numb herself from that experience, Lapin turned to work. In Becoming Super Woman, she admits to hiding from her trauma by “working and then working some more.”

And the more she achieved, the harder she worked. With two bestselling books to her name, Lapin certainly “leaned in”—jumping on every opportunity for success. But at what cost?

Our culture responded exuberantly to Sheryl Sandberg’s 2013 bestseller Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead, but Lapin—who has a section in her latest book titled “Please Lean the [Expletive] Out”—believes we’ve gone too far.

“I think we lean into everything so hard that we’re falling over,” she says.

Alcock, the clinical psychologist from Chicago, describes two kinds of coping styles when it comes to burnout: Active coping is when people, like Lapin, go and go until they end up crashing; they often become anxious, irritable, or angry. Passive coping is when people respond by becoming despondent; they may sleep more often or stop eating regularly.

“Just like everything else in this field, it would be lovely if we could find a good balance, and, of course, it’s really hard to do that,” he says. “Everybody has to look at their personal ability, their own efficacy, and try to see how they can mitigate the factors that get them to the level of burnout.”

Deb Bishop, a freelance graphic designer who dedicated a lot of her time to volunteer work, knew she needed to make changes when she started to feel tapped out.

“I was resentful and overwhelmed and woke up through the night with all sorts of concerns or thoughts about what I had to do,” she recalls. “I just felt like I was getting a little lost in the shuffle.”

With her oldest son soon leaving for college; her younger son, a freshman; and her daughter in middle school, Bishop felt like her time with all three kids was fleeting.

“I remember, we were all home one night on a Friday, squeezed on this little couch, watching a comedy on Netflix,” says Bishop, from New York. “I thought, ‘Oh my God … when’s the next time this will happen?’ I realized, probably not much more, if at all again,” she says. “I just tried to feel that moment.”

“I felt like everybody, including myself, was going through a transition,” she says. “I needed to focus on what I wanted.”

Seizing the opportunity to enjoy these moments and make more of them, Bishop has reduced her volunteering commitments.

PARENTS UNDER PRESSURE

Like Bishop, we might identify our own personal signs of being off-balance, but there is a science to recognizing this syndrome. The Maslach Burnout Inventory is the most commonly used instrument for measuring burnout, and it assesses (1) emotional exhaustion, (2) depersonalization—feeling disconnected from your body and thoughts—and (3) personal accomplishment.

As different groups of people have begun to experience the tell-tale symptoms of burnout, researchers have had to take their experiences into account. In fact, the Maslach scale was adapted to assess parental stress, and research is expanding to explore how all parents are battling daily stressors that can lead to burnout.

Stephen, a father of two sons, has experience with both parental burnout and depression. He knows when he is close to reaching his limit because he starts to lose interest in what he’s passionate about, including the personalized jewelry and accessories business he owns with his wife, Lisa.

The California native says burnout “is like trying to pedal a bike, but there’s no chain. You’re putting in all the effort, but there’s no drive forward.”

That kind of intense exhaustion is a leading element in the definition of parental burnout. As shown in a study published in 2018 in Clinical Psychological Science, exhaustion becomes burnout when it leads parents to feel detached from their children and unsure of their parenting abilities.

Stephen, who is also a former pastor, came up with a strategy for thriving in life, which he calls “Life by Design.” This strategy is grounded in an understanding that everyone is inherently worthy.

“When I begin to move into darker places, when I doubt my value and whether I have anything to offer, I grab hold of the fact that this must be true for me, too,” he says.

To better understand parental overwhelm, researchers at Nanyang Technological University, looked to the brain—specifically the prefrontal cortex, which is associated with the ability to understand someone else’s point of view. They measured the brain activity of mothers and their children during a shared experience, then assessed the synchrony, or alignment, of brain activity between the mothers and their children.

Mothers who reported high levels of parental stress showed less synchrony with their children than did mothers who reported lower levels of stress. When brain activity is not aligned between two people, it can be harder to share emotions and communicate easily.

“It’s not like you can power through,” says Robyn Koslowitz, PhD, of Lakewood, New Jersey. “You won’t be able to manage, because your brain won’t let you.”

Chicago psychologist Tyler Fortman agrees that we cannot power through burnout. He finds that burnout arises when people are stuck in a situation that doesn’t give them meaning, yet they “try to white-knuckle it or grit it out.”

“Most people can do that for some period of time,” he says, “but it’s just not sustainable.”

REDISCOVERING JOY

Koslowitz believes that we must learn the difference between self-care and self-maintenance—a difference people often don’t recognize.

Going to the gym, eating a healthy diet, getting enough sleep—these are all basic, self-preserving needs that have to do with maintenance. On the other hand, “self-care is engaging in an experience that brings you joy,” she says.

In a society that often mistakes maintenance for care, we need to clarify what self-care and joy might look like.

According to Koslowitz, it’s not “eating snacks and mindlessly watching some reality-TV family until you fall asleep. That’s not self-care, and that’s not self-maintenance—that’s just anesthesia.”

What brings us joy, then, is what makes us smile without effort. It’s what we daydream about. It’s about the people, the passions, and the simple pleasures that give meaning to our lives.

Those sources of joy will be unique to each of us. So we should not think poorly of ourselves when what “should” bring peace and fulfillment doesn’t quite do the trick: “It’s great that you took your kid to the park and played ball,” says Koslowitz, “but that might not fully recharge your battery, and you don’t have to feel guilty about that.”

That kind of guilt is not helpful; in fact, it might just add fuel to the fire. “Guilt only contributes to burnout,” she says. “If you haven’t done enough self-care, you’re more likely to overreact, and then you’re going to feel even more guilt.”

Even the good parts of our lives can cause stress and burnout—the job we love, the family we treasure, the passion project that became overwhelming. And that’s okay. It just means that we might need to seek the personal joy of self-care from activities that are separate from our parenting, professions, or whatever else is causing us to feel burned out.

Finding your joy might mean going out for tea and window-shopping with a friend; playing flag football with your old college buddies on the weekend; teaching your child how to play a new board game; or having uninterrupted alone time to read a book.

“It’s unrealistic to expect that your behavior is going to change completely overnight,” says burnout specialist Davis-Laack. “Just start to think differently. Doing little things to change the way your life is organized, consistently over time, will move the needle to get a better handle on or reduce stress.”

For inspiration, we might look to Lapin’s reinterpretation of what true superpowers and real superheroes actually look like.

In Becoming Super Woman, Lapin writes, “A real Super Woman—Super (space) Woman—is a woman who is dedicated to the pursuit of her own happiness, who decides what’s important to her and makes time for it, who listens to what’s going on in her own head and then deliberately and thoughtfully acts on it. A Super Woman is her own … hero, who writes her own story and, when needed, saves herself.”

* * * * *

BURNOUT BUSTERS

When symptoms crop up, speak up. Burnout prevention expert Paula Davis-Laack says the sooner you do, “the easier it will be to reverse it and get back on course.” First, determine specifically what you’re feeling and what you need. (For example, you’ve been sick on and off for two months—atypical for you—and you would like to go on sabbatical or be reassigned.) Then talk with a trusted person, ideally a boss, leader, or healthcare professional, who can help implement the change.

Be curious about and accept emotions. Recognizing our feelings allows us to confront them. For example, when you feel guilt, Robyn Koslowitz, PhD, recommends acknowledging it and letting it go: “Tell yourself, ‘It wasn’t a good thing to yell at my kids. I’m going to apologize to them and say good-bye to the guilt.’”

Practice self-care. The book Thriving in Healthcare: A Positive Approach to Reclaim Balance and Avoid Burnout in Your Busy Life suggests taking short “humanity” breaks to focus on human experiences like positivity, fresh air, laughter—even a pleasant errand.

Printed as “From burnout to balance,” Winter 2020

The post Burnout to Balance: Dealing with Chronic Stress and Depression appeared first on hopetocope.com | Hope To Cope With Anxiety & Depression.

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by Robin L. Flanigan

With their steady companionship, needs, dependability, and silly antics, our pets can provide welcome relief and distraction from anxiety and depression.

Four years ago, when Monica’s therapist recommended she get a dog to help with her depression, she didn’t know what to think. What she did know was that she spent the entirety of every session petting her therapist’s golden retriever—it made her feel more relaxed—so, after careful consideration, she decided to become a pet owner.

Jasper, a Newfoundland pup, was two months old when she brought him home. Three months later, he was diagnosed with two dislocated kneecaps in his hind legs. He wound up needing four surgeries—and Monica’s help learning to walk again without pain.

It was an almost two-year ordeal, one that Monica says had a positive influence on her mental health.

“I was worried about him, which diverted attention away from all those ‘crazy’ thoughts that come with depression,” explains the high-school French teacher from California. “I didn’t have time to think about things that otherwise would’ve brought me down into a deep spiral.”

Jasper is now 130 pounds, fully recovered, and a steady presence at her side.

“He has made me a much better human and some days is the reason I get out of bed and can go to work,” she says. “I have a sense of purpose just making sure he is taken care of, that he has everything he needs. And he makes me laugh when I probably need to laugh the most.”

What’s known as “the pet effect” is real.

In fact, an alliance of scientists, researchers, veterinarians, and pet advocates have teamed up to share evidence that pets improve the health and well-being of our communities.

Researchers have shown, for example, that pets influence our bodies in a variety of beneficial ways. They slow our heart rates, which helps prevent heart disease; increase our levels of anti-stress chemicals, such as oxytocin, adrenaline, and serotonin; and activate dopamine, a “pleasure hormone” that boosts long-term memory and mood. Even observing live fish has been shown to improve perceptions of mood, relaxation, and anxiety.

With depression in particular, pets can be an ideal remedy because, in addition to helping us feel less lonely, they “allow us to have a focus of attention,” says Alan M. Beck, director of Purdue University’s Center for the Human-Animal Bond and an expert on how people and animals influence the psychological and physiological state of each other.

“They keep us in the present instead of bemoaning the past or worrying about the future,” Beck adds. “And if we can stay in the present, even transiently, we’re less stressed.”

Sixty-seven percent of US households—that’s 84.9 million homes—own at least one pet, according to a recent survey by the American Pet Products Association. The annual report also found that, from 2017 to 2018, overall spending in the US pet industry increased 4.4 percent, reaching $72.56 billion.

Pets provide a type of companionship humans can’t—a more predictable one, without judgment.

Such predictability is meaningful for Humberto Pomales Sr., who lives in Deltona, Florida, and takes care of his wife, who has Alzheimer’s. He recalls life at home before he became a pet owner.

“I felt helpless, lonely, worthless,” he says. “I started thinking thoughts that didn’t belong to me.”

The Vietnam veteran, who has depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), read an article about how dogs can help veterans and felt compelled to approach the Veterans Administration about getting one. A month later, he had an American bulldog named Stallone.

“He’s always with me, always wanting to play,” he says. “When we’re together, I don’t go daydreaming into some bad thoughts. He’s a great help.”

“A WONDERFUL SURPRISE”

While dogs are the subject of most studies on how pets help alleviate depression in their owners, cats are even more popular as a household pet—although they still fall woefully behind freshwater fish, which take the top spot by a huge margin.

Three years ago, Jay of Florida, was going through marital problems and beginning recovery from drug and alcohol addiction. Jay’s wife at the time surprised him when she came home with a brown cat with light-gray stripes, hoping the new pet might provide him some relief.

The cat, which they named Ana, came from a pet store but appeared to be wild. Ana hated being picked up and would only allow Jay to touch her if she remained in her cage. Less than a month later, Jay and his wife separated.

Jay, a mental health advocate and author who’d gone through depressive episodes since elementary school, recalls that time: “I thought, ‘Great. I’m going through the worst depression of my life and she just left me with the cat. This is going to be awesome.’”

While researching online, he came across an article about a man known for house-training feral cats. Jay did what he suggested: He gave Ana her own safe space—the living room—while he stayed mostly in his bedroom with the television, and he stopped forcing her to interact with him. After about a week, Ana leapt onto the couch after leaving her cage, a huge breakthrough. A few days later, she came into the bedroom; a few days after that, she jumped onto a corner of his bed while he was in it.

Even then, Jay didn’t reach out to pet her; the cat’s presence in itself was a huge gift.

“She was there when I was crying myself to sleep at night because I was so alone,” he says. “I felt I was putting some of that weight and suffering on her, and so it felt like we were going through everything together. That helped me emotionally in a tremendous way.”

These days, they sleep beside each other. Ana meows and shows off her belly when she wants attention—as long as that attention doesn’t include being picked up—and she moves away when she has had enough.

“I have two chairs in my room, and she has chosen one of them as her own,” says Jay. “We sit together and watch TV. It’s hilarious. She has been a wonderful surprise for me.”

BONDING GOES BOTH WAYS

The connection between humans and dogs goes far back. During an excavation in the late 1970s, archaeologists found a Paleolithic tomb in Northern Israel, dating back 12,000 years, in which a human had been buried alongside the remains of a wolf, dog, or puppy. Scientists consider this the earliest indication of a close relationship between human and canine.

Emerging research is revealing more details about how other kinds of pets connect with humans, too. A new study has found that, despite their reputation for being independent and even indifferent, cats bond with their caregivers just as much as babies and dogs do.

Research from the Oregon State University’s Human-Animal Interaction Lab, published in September 2019 in the journal Current Biology, showed that 64.3 percent of kittens formed secure attachments with caregivers, while 35.7 percent had an insecure bond, demonstrated through anxious or avoidance behaviors. The researchers found similar results with older cats.

To celebrate how people and pets save each other, Carol Novello founded Mutual Rescue, a national animal-welfare initiative based in Milpitas, California. Mutual Rescue produces viral short films aimed at inspiring people to support and engage with local shelters. Those films have been seen collectively over 150 million times to date.

Novello has her own story to share. While working in the high-tech industry, she was asked to move two hours away to help turn around a company.

“I underestimated how hard it would be without my emotional support system, on top of an incredibly stressful job,” she remembers. “If I did not have my two cats, I don’t know how I would’ve shown up to work every day to help my employees do what needed to be done.”

Those two cats were Wiley and Wilbur. Wiley would hop up on her lap and purr when she relaxed on the couch. Wilbur made her laugh with his antics.

“I credit my cats for the turnaround of that company,” she says. “It was unprofitable with $10 million in revenue when I got it, and when we sold it, it was profitable with $20 million in revenue.”

Novello, author of Mutual Rescue: How Adopting a Homeless Animal Can Save You, Too, has seen how pets can help teach compassion.

“People sometimes say they don’t know how to generate a loving feeling toward themselves or another person, but they often can with an animal,” she explains. “I tell them to start there, to start meditating on that loving feeling and then to extend that to themselves, then to someone else. The feelings animals can create experientially becomes a doorway.”

That goes for nontraditional companion animals as well.

“A bird or reptile might also produce that same impact, and if you have allergies, they can be a great choice,” says Steven Feldman, executive director of HABRI, the Human Animal Bond Research Institute, in Washington, DC. “When you know that an animal is counting on you to care for it, it does provide an important stabilizing force in your life, and that sense of purpose is really important when you’re dealing with depression and anxiety.”

A PART OF THE PACK

According to a HABRI survey of pet owners, nearly three-quarters reported mental health improvements from pet ownership. But it would seem that ownership itself isn’t necessary to experience the pet effect; sometimes contact with an animal is enough.

Billie Smith, executive director of the Alliance of Therapy Dogs in Cheyenne, Wyoming, tells the story of Sam, a man in his sixties who had a physical illness and lived with depression and anxiety. Every Monday, two volunteers from the organization brought their therapy dogs—an Irish Wolfhound, a Yorkshire Terrier, and a Labrador mix—to visit with Sam, who snuggled, hugged, and petted the dogs. Today, his health has stabilized beyond what his doctors had predicted.

Sam and the dogs “have definitely developed a relationship,” says Smith. “It’s not only the person that gets attached to the dogs; the dogs can also get attached to the person.”

In addition to providing support directly, pets can also help build out human support systems around their owners. Pets are an instant conversation piece, says HABRI’s Feldman: “When you walk a dog, you meet other people in the neighborhood, and those people become friends. Friends do favors for each other and become part of your social support structure.”

For those who want less responsibility, goldfish or another lower-maintenance pet may be a good option; they have been found to have health benefits, too, though smaller ones. A team of Korean researchers even found that caring for crickets has a positive impact on psychological well-being of the elderly.

There’s no denying that some pets come with a higher degree of responsibility. While that might be overwhelming for some, especially during hard times, some people may find meaning in the challenge.

For Marie, from Ohio, having to take care of her four cats and two dogs when in the midst of a depressive episode is difficult, but she says she “can’t deny them” because of their unconditional love.

Afterward, “it’s not mastery I usually feel, but I know I did something good,” she says. “I didn’t just wallow in my day. I took care of my family.”

* * * * *

CONSIDERING A PET?

Do an honest assessment. Pets can be expensive and develop health problems, and some require more attention than others, so know what you’re getting into. “It’s very important to think through the long-term needs of an animal,” says Steven Feldman, executive director of the Human Animal Bond Research Institute. “Can you care for it? Talk to your care team to make sure they’re in agreement. These are living beings, and you really want to make sure you’re doing this right.”

Visit other pets first. “Find someone who has the same kind of pet you’re thinking about, and see how it feels to be around it,” suggests animal relationship expert Alan M. Beck. Volunteering at an animal shelter is one way to get exposure.

Research, research, research. “Different dogs have different temperaments,” says Monica, who owns a Newfoundland. Understand breed preferences and personality types. Research the breeder or the dog’s history, if possible, and keep in mind that some dogs are more easily trained than others.

Printed as ” The Pet Effect,” Winter 2020

The post The Pet Effect: Purpose, Presence, & Peace appeared first on hopetocope.com | Hope To Cope With Anxiety & Depression.

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